In the time that I've been dating, mostly in the years following my divorce, I've noticed that men tend to try and use various tactics to play upon the vulnerabilities of women. Now, in the interest of fairness to all people/persuasions/orientations, you can fill in the blank here with whatever you wish. The point is that I'd like to expose some of the games that the Lames try to play to get what they want out of you. And I will shed some light on this here. I'm a bit embarrassed to say that yes, I've fallen prey to some of these. But no more...I've wised up, and so should you. So, here's a scenario that I'd like to call "The Online Full Court Press". Of course, this can be done in person as well, and is, so watch out!
A man I met on a dating site was quite persuasive, asking me repeatedly to be his girlfriend. Now mind you, this is after texting me only a matter of days! We lived in different states, and not like one state over, either! He was relentless, saying all the right things, like that he wanted a beautiful woman like me who was nice, caring, nurturing to his children, sexy and sexual, and supportive. Since I tend to be very open in who I am, he honed in on what I ultimately wanted (i.e. a committed relationship and possibly a family) and used it against me. He persuaded me somehow, despite the annoying voice cautioning me in the back of my mind, to say yes.
Now at first, he seemed genuine, like he was very happy and looking forward to getting to know me better. And also to meeting me sometime in the future. We communicated almost constantly, and daily. He even let me talk to his children with no prompting from me. But after the first couple of weeks, and several nonstop texts/emails, he started playing little games. Games that he thought I wouldn't catch on to. Games like asking me to friend him on Facebook, and then 'hollering at the sexy ladies' he knew there. Or asking my sisters to friend him before he asked my permission! I think he was widening his dating pool, and didn't think that I'd catch on. And when I'd ask him about the inconsistencies that kept arising, he would make excuses, or make me feel as if I were the one in the wrong for taking it seriously! Ridiculous!
Finally, after seeing him continue to use dating apps on Facebook, his calls and texts to me dwindling, and no set timetable to meet in person, I pulled the plug. His reaction showed me, however painfully, that he was never really 'into me' in the first place. He just said, "Ok, I'll delete your number." After all of that buildup. And after I was lady enough to offer to still be friends with him and his kids.Wow was all that I could say. But hey, it was my foolish mistake to take him at face value, and so soon. And also that he was using his kids as part of his sick game to keep me strung along. In retrospect, he did me a huge favor by showing me who he really was and helping me demand more. He also put the kibosh on long distance relationships for me for anything other than friendship. C'est la vie.
Lesson learned...Don't fall for this type of play! If a man is really interested in getting to know you, and a possible relationship, he'll take the time to be just friends first, to let you know you're his priority above anyone else he might be in communication with, and he'll set a timetable to meet in person (regardless of distance). Demand the best for yourself... Avoid the Lames!
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Avoiding the Lames: A Few Basic Tenets
Here are a few things that we can use to decode what someone says, when they don't have the heart (or the balls) to tell you what they really mean:
"I don't want to be anyone's man" - I don't want to be YOUR man, or I want the sex with no strings.
"I don't want someone with baggage." Let's face it, we ALL have baggage. It's just a question of how we choose to manage it and collect or release it. They have their baggage, and expect you to deal with it, but don't want you to have any!
"I need to go away by myself and sort things out." - I don't have the balls to break up with you, but I'm using you in the meantime so I won't be single (or can use you for resources:i.e. rent, food, sex, etc.). Just until your replacement is found. If a man truly loves you and is into you, he won't be able to spend enough time around you!
"I want a quiet, mousy type." - I want someone who I think I can control, and who makes me feel more manly.
"I don't want a materialistic girl." - I want someone who doesn't mind that I'm cheap (not always, but this is a red flag if he supposedly wants to date you, but is worried about how much it might cost!) A gentleman understands and appreciates having to work for your hand, which includes spending money to take you places, out to dinner, or to do little things for you. Make sure he lives by the credo Go hard or GO HOME!
"Whatever happens happens." - I won't set boundaries here, so if we have sex and I'm not committed to you, I'll gladly take your body but leave the rest. I'm nonchalant about your feelings and don't care if it makes you feel used.
"Let's hang out at my place and watch a movie/cook dinner/cuddle up but not have sex...(fill in the blank). - I want to try to have sex with you, but I'm going to be sneaky about it, so I'll ask you over to my home ( a private place where they're controlling the environment), get you alone and try to get your guard down to get you to have sex too soon. DO NOT fall for this! Any man worth his weight in salt will take you out, especially for the first date, for at least coffee or a drink. That's a cheap date, and it's the least he can do to meet your acquaintance. And that way, if things aren't going well, you can leave more easily (and he can't stick you with a dinner tab if he's a real loser!)
"Here's my number. Why don't you call me sometime and we'll go out?" - He should ask for YOUR number, so HE can call YOU and take YOU out! There's nothing wrong with exchanging numbers. But don't let him sneakily put the burden of contacting him onto you. He needs to man up or step off! And don't let him text you incessantly without ever calling you either. If his fingers can text you, they can light up your phone and call your sweet assed self!
More to come...
"I don't want to be anyone's man" - I don't want to be YOUR man, or I want the sex with no strings.
"I don't want someone with baggage." Let's face it, we ALL have baggage. It's just a question of how we choose to manage it and collect or release it. They have their baggage, and expect you to deal with it, but don't want you to have any!
"I need to go away by myself and sort things out." - I don't have the balls to break up with you, but I'm using you in the meantime so I won't be single (or can use you for resources:i.e. rent, food, sex, etc.). Just until your replacement is found. If a man truly loves you and is into you, he won't be able to spend enough time around you!
"I want a quiet, mousy type." - I want someone who I think I can control, and who makes me feel more manly.
"I don't want a materialistic girl." - I want someone who doesn't mind that I'm cheap (not always, but this is a red flag if he supposedly wants to date you, but is worried about how much it might cost!) A gentleman understands and appreciates having to work for your hand, which includes spending money to take you places, out to dinner, or to do little things for you. Make sure he lives by the credo Go hard or GO HOME!
"Whatever happens happens." - I won't set boundaries here, so if we have sex and I'm not committed to you, I'll gladly take your body but leave the rest. I'm nonchalant about your feelings and don't care if it makes you feel used.
"Let's hang out at my place and watch a movie/cook dinner/cuddle up but not have sex...(fill in the blank). - I want to try to have sex with you, but I'm going to be sneaky about it, so I'll ask you over to my home ( a private place where they're controlling the environment), get you alone and try to get your guard down to get you to have sex too soon. DO NOT fall for this! Any man worth his weight in salt will take you out, especially for the first date, for at least coffee or a drink. That's a cheap date, and it's the least he can do to meet your acquaintance. And that way, if things aren't going well, you can leave more easily (and he can't stick you with a dinner tab if he's a real loser!)
"Here's my number. Why don't you call me sometime and we'll go out?" - He should ask for YOUR number, so HE can call YOU and take YOU out! There's nothing wrong with exchanging numbers. But don't let him sneakily put the burden of contacting him onto you. He needs to man up or step off! And don't let him text you incessantly without ever calling you either. If his fingers can text you, they can light up your phone and call your sweet assed self!
More to come...
Avoiding the Lames:An Introduction
Are you tired of dealing with the wrong people, in terms of dating? Frustrated that the wrong types seem to keep falling into your good graces, leaving you more frustrated than before in the aftermath? Bewildered as to what to do to help save yourself some grief? If so, I know that you're not alone. I too have grown sick and tired of being sick and tired. I'd like to share my awareness with others and empower people. And if someone can be spared some pain out of the traumatic experiences that I've survived, then so be it.
I came up with the concept of Avoiding the Lames after talking to my cousin in Philadelphia (where I used to reside and plan on returning) one day. She was lamenting how it was so difficult for her to get a date. Now mind you, this is a beautiful, ferociously talented, vivacious young lady who has it together and is definitely going places! She's no ghetto chick, golddigger, selfish spoiled brat type, or whatever negative adjective you'd like to use here. And she was saying how 'the lames' seem to always come out ahead, how they seem to always get the dates! What's up with that? There's no justice in this. So I thought to myself..."Hmm. I'm very frustrated with dating as well. I'm ready to just 'do me' and take care of business until the right man/situation comes along. I'm fine with being single until then. But for everyone else, or for those who wish to dip their toe into the dating pool, I'd like to help. Like Emily Dickinson said, "If I can stop one heart from breaking", I will. Lord only knows I've had mine broken, tremendously, more than once. But I have learned from my mistakes, am assessing what I am attracting, and am willing to 'do the work' in making internal adjustments to what and who I deal with externally for better results. And I love people, and enjoy empowering others. Thusly, I am setting out to blog for the first time here, on what to avoid. In weeding out what we don't want, we can hone in better upon what we do wish to attract into our lives and hearts.
So, where do I begin? I think I will say that I'm all for empowerment - for all people, but especially women. Let's face it, so often women have been nurtured and misinformed to set ourselves up to do the very things that end up being our undoing. Not trusting our instincts, commanding respect, or assessing our own worth and making sure others do as well are huge mistakes. I seek to help others help themselves. That having been said, I think it's important for ALL people of all backgrounds, male and female, all sexual orientations take control of their lives and learn to love and respect themselves, so that they in turn can give that to someone outside of themselves. I might post short bursts of thought here, but it all goes towards the endeavor of helping others. Stay tuned...
I came up with the concept of Avoiding the Lames after talking to my cousin in Philadelphia (where I used to reside and plan on returning) one day. She was lamenting how it was so difficult for her to get a date. Now mind you, this is a beautiful, ferociously talented, vivacious young lady who has it together and is definitely going places! She's no ghetto chick, golddigger, selfish spoiled brat type, or whatever negative adjective you'd like to use here. And she was saying how 'the lames' seem to always come out ahead, how they seem to always get the dates! What's up with that? There's no justice in this. So I thought to myself..."Hmm. I'm very frustrated with dating as well. I'm ready to just 'do me' and take care of business until the right man/situation comes along. I'm fine with being single until then. But for everyone else, or for those who wish to dip their toe into the dating pool, I'd like to help. Like Emily Dickinson said, "If I can stop one heart from breaking", I will. Lord only knows I've had mine broken, tremendously, more than once. But I have learned from my mistakes, am assessing what I am attracting, and am willing to 'do the work' in making internal adjustments to what and who I deal with externally for better results. And I love people, and enjoy empowering others. Thusly, I am setting out to blog for the first time here, on what to avoid. In weeding out what we don't want, we can hone in better upon what we do wish to attract into our lives and hearts.
So, where do I begin? I think I will say that I'm all for empowerment - for all people, but especially women. Let's face it, so often women have been nurtured and misinformed to set ourselves up to do the very things that end up being our undoing. Not trusting our instincts, commanding respect, or assessing our own worth and making sure others do as well are huge mistakes. I seek to help others help themselves. That having been said, I think it's important for ALL people of all backgrounds, male and female, all sexual orientations take control of their lives and learn to love and respect themselves, so that they in turn can give that to someone outside of themselves. I might post short bursts of thought here, but it all goes towards the endeavor of helping others. Stay tuned...
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